Monday, July 27, 2009

Do I Leave Or Do I Stay?

If you missed last week's installment of this story, you can check that out here.
Ten years ago this September will be the day that God helped me make the best decision I ever made. That decision was to give my life and marriage to Him. At first, I did not give my marriage to Him, but I gave Him myself. In doing so, it helped me to grow close to God first and then I could grow close to Stephen.

I remember saying out loud that last weekend that I was my own person that these three people in my life--Stephen, Robert, and Kayla--they could all just have each other. I wanted a life that was free to be me, free to go and do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. God had other plans though and I am so glad that He did. However, this was only the beginning to the biggest battle I would ever face in my life.

Have you ever had to do something so horrible, and you were uncertain about the outcome of what you had to do? That was exactly how I felt two weeks after giving my life to Christ. God gave me exactly two weeks to get my feet wet in His word, and then He hit me with a Louisville Slugger bat the size of Texas. The first time I ever heard His voice so clear as if He were standing in front of me was the most profound. God spoke to my heart and said, " I want you to confess to your husband all your indescretions--everything." I laughed so hard at God that my sides hurt. I completely and TOTALLY refused to do this. I knew that if I told Stephen all of the horrible things I had done, he would for sure leave me high and dry and I had just gotten used to the idea of being married. I did not want to be single.

I ignored God for about two more weeks, but during that time He made sure I was completely and totally miserable. I made mistakes in the bank account, I got into trouble at work which is something I would never ever do! And then, He whispered to my's time--tell him. I went to my friend and told her how *crazy* all this was. Do you know what her response to me was? If God is asking you to do this, then you need to do it. GULP! I just was not ready to do this. I cried, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded. . .but all of this fell into God's lap without one single solitary bit of approval from God. He refused to talk any further about it with me. He had given me something to do and until I got it done, He would not talk to me anymore.

Feeling defeated, I told Stephen that I needed to talk to him in private. We sat down that evening and I poured my heart out like I had never done before. I had no idea if he would leave when I got done or if he would hate me or what, but I had to be obedient to God. After I was done, I felt totally exhausted and spent. Stephen sat there in silence for what seemed like hours, but was only a few minutes. He got up and walked out of the room without saying a word to me. I silently cried as I thought about how much he probably hated me at this moment. I couldn't say that I blame him. I mean, I had defiled our marriage bed numerous times and then expected him to still love me and be my husband.

After about an hour he came back in the room. He carried with him his Bible. He sat down and told me that he had been praying and talking to God. He said, "I forgive you. I can't say that I love you very much right now, but I forgive you." I felt a sense of relief. He did not say I love you, but he said he forgave me. That was a start. I knew that he wasn't leaving and neither was I. Where in the world would we go from here?

Since this post is a little long, I am going to extend this story into a couple of more posts so that you can truly understand the reason I am so adamant about husbands and wives giving their marriage to God. I will post another part of this story tomorrow.


Kela said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I guess one thing that I forget is that sometimes when God tells us to do something that involves another person, He's already prepared the other person for what is going to happen (even if they don't know it). It looks like this was the case for your husband. I can't wait to read the rest!

Donalacasa said...

This was a good tidbit right here. Thanks for sharing.


Sisterlisa said...

yep my tears are flowing now.....on my way to your next post.