Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Step In the Wrong Direction

Pt 3 of Obedience in Marriage. You can read part one here and part two here.

After Stephen told me he forgave me, he sat down and told me about a small indescretion he had experienced years ago during one of our drinking fiascos. It was nothing like I had done and had only been a kiss, but to me my whole world came crashing down. I was angry with him for doing this to me (yeah I know...I had done alot worse, but when someone cheats on you even though you are doing the same, it just feels like your whole world is falling apart).

From the moment that he said "I forgive you", I became bitter and angry at him. I think I was more angry about the fact that he was going to actually forgive me, and I had an extremely hard time of letting go of the fact that he had kissed someone else. While he was busy trying to get close to me, I was busy pulling away from him. I got mad at God and accused Him of allowing all this to happen. God spoke to my heart and told me in very simple terms, " I allowed you to go through this so you could catch a small glimpse of what Stephen feels like." SMACK (there was the bat moment again). I literally felt like all the air had been completely punched out of my stomach.

I started feeling much remorse for many days over what I had done to Stephen. In fact, for three weeks straight all I did was cry. I cried because I was ashamed of who I had become and how I had hurt this man that I had wanted to treasure. I felt like I was not good enough for him anymore and that I should not allow myself to love him in any kind of way. Stephen tried to hold me and reassure me that we could work through this. I remember staring him and asking him, WHY. Why do you love me? Why are you so willing to forgive me? Why aren't you mad at me like you need to be? WHY? His answer totally shocked me and it was not one that I had expected. He told me that his only answer could be that this had to be God doing all of this, because if it was him and him alone going through this, he would have left the minute that I told him about everything.

A week later, while we were at church, Stephen announced that he had signed us up for a marriage bible study by Gary Smalley (Making Love Last Forever--I recommend this to anyone going through marriage problems). . . without asking me first. I was so angry with him. I yelled at him in front of everyone. I told him, "how could you sign us up for that without even talking to me first? I DO NOT want to go to marriage bible study! And I am NOT you hear me?" Later that week, I found myself sitting in this class with seven other couples. As I listened to everyone sharing their stories, I realized my story matched the guys and Stephen's story matched the girls. I also learned that first night I had some serious problems to deal with before my relationship with Stephen was to go anywhere.

I pondered on all this for a couple of weeks. Then we were at church one night again when God really got a hold of me regarding all this. Stephen was preparing to go away on a spiritual weekend retreat and we were having a silent time of prayer after taking communion. I excused myself from my family and went and sat on a pew by myself. I sat there for about twenty minutes just staring at the communion table thinking I had gone too far and there was no turning back. I had made so many mistakes in my life, marriage, and everywhere that there was just no since in even continuing trying to make amends. The associate pastor at that time, who happened to be a really good friend of mine and Stephen's, and who was also leading the marriage bible study we were attending, sat down beside me. He asked me what was wrong and I started to tell him. After listening to me, he asked me point you still love Stephen.
My response. . . I don't really know if I love him anymore or not.

To be continued.....


Alicia said...

Wow...very heavy posts. I look forward to hearing the rest of it!!

And for you to be so open and honest is so awesome!!!!! I'm excited to read how God restored your marriage!!

Sisterlisa said...

I am on the edge of my seat... is the next post coming soon????